I am one of those people who has to turn every interest and hobby into an income stream.
Le Sigh.
Let us rewind.
I have a trauma informed shopping addiction. This means I do not shop and accumulate things simply because it is fun (or because I need them) but because in my brain having more things = security in all areas of my life. This is an illusion of course. There is no amount of stickers that will help me get over any deep sadness - but I surely will push it to the limit just to make sure.
I am diagnosed with PTSD and generalized anxiety. A lot of this comes from situations surrounding me being homeless on a couple of different occasions as a kid.
So while little me was used to carrying only a few items with me at a time - big me, with disposable income can accumulate as much as I want….in theory.
I say in theory because with the PTSD also comes a lack mindset and constant worry about money NO MATTER how secure financially I am. For me, no matter if it is true or not there is always a fear the security will be ripped away. There is always a chance I will be left with nothing.
So my go to has always been to take what I love to do and turn it into a way to make some money because then I would be okay to buy and keep some for myself. This has worked like a charm for the last 19 years. Until this year.
When my father died last April and left behind all his most special things the meaning of “stuff” changed for me. He was always saving things for later when the time was right and all of a sudden there was no more time. I spent the first 2 months after his death buying notebooks and stickers to fill a void that would never be filled. Then I made sticker packs for my store in desperation to recoup my money.
What was I doing?
I realized I was buying and buying to make things for “my shop update”, but because the shopping and the things no longer brought joy in the same way all the “things” started to stress me out. I began the big declutter in the summer of 2023.
With the decluttering had to come the promise to myself that I would not replenish these things until I needed them. No more buying in the anticipation of needing.
So I decided to shut my store of ephemera and journals and crafty things for my mental health. It brings me great relief.
Last year I made a reel talking about my shopping addiction and lots of people made comments about donating (duh) or being “lucky” to have all these things. (Luck has nothing to do with it I work every day many many hours to make disposable income while also raising my toddler) but none of that has anything to do with PTSD and how your childhood traumas inform your adult behaviors. So I end this with a reminder that we never know someones entire life and all the reasons why they are how they are and we can always practice compassion.
Thank you for being here.
I have shopping addiction too and I know I have to stop but I just can't. Even I have only 1 dollar left I will still spend it. It create so much financial difficulties for me. I am glad that you can declutter your stuff. I wish I could do it one day too.
Thanks for sharing Meghann 💜 follow your heart and do what’s right for you. 🥰🥰